a word about these past 3-6-5

I can't believe it, but it was one year ago today that we hopped on a plane to move our lives to Haiti. How can it have already been a year? Time seems to have stopped from June until about this past April, because life as we knew it was so different. Now that it's summer again, I find myself thinking of and missing Haiti almost every day. The heat, the smell of gasoline, the busyness of city dwellers as I walk through the streets- it all awakens glimpses of memories of our every day lives there. I remember so much about each day so perfectly, it doesn't seem that 365 days have already come and gone...

As much as I ached for home, and as hot, itchy, and hungry that I found myself every single day, my heart still longs for Haiti. I've been pondering my confusing feelings, and I can't seem to pinpoint how I could possibly miss it after months of hardship and fatigue while there. It doesn't make any sense. But I love Haiti. I love the people. I love the language. I love their story. I feel one with them now, speaking their language and navigating their streets and living how they live. I don't know if we will ever take another shot and move there again, and I wonder if it would be different, knowing what I know now. I'm afraid to find out. But there's still this part of me that wants to make Haiti my home.

I've learned so much about myself and about God since June 30th, 2013. These past 52 weeks were the absolute hardest of my life. Forcing myself to make it though each day in Haiti, working through my own health, the passing of my uncle and grandfather, being unemployed for months... I have fought with and questioned God, crying out to Him and even pushing Him away in anger. I've been more exposed and vulnerable than ever before, felt weaker and more lost than I have in my life. And I still feel that I am healing. These intense challenges have taught me and molded me, yes, but I also still feel wounded. Even my relationship with God is still healing, as I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for his grace and faithfulness, but also struggling with understanding and connecting to His all-knowing presence. My view who He is is reshaped. I still feel that I am recovering from being made into something new. I am still transforming and creating myself, with these experiences as a part of me.

When we left one year ago today, we had in our minds that we wouldn't return until about a month ago. I find myself wondering what life would be like, and who I would be, if that's how it all had actually happened. What kind of experiences would we have had? I would be totally fluent in Creole, and I'm sure everything about living in the states again would feel so new. Maybe I'd be a stronger and wiser person. But boy, would I have missed out. I could not have forgiven myself had I missed my uncle's and grandfather's funerals, which I wouldn't have been able to attend. I would never had made the precious relationship that I have with the family I nannied for while living with my parents, who I completely fell in love with and found joy from each day. I wouldn't have gained the experience as a wedding photographer's assistant, and would have totally missed the opportunity to see a glimpse into the most beautiful and exciting day of these stranger's lives. I wouldn't be close to some of the people that have become some of my closest friends. The absolutely gorgeous gifts that God gave me through this incredibly difficult year leave me awe-struck. I now see that maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason, and the world definitely does not revolve around me and my decisions. But no matter what, God is still there, still moving, still working for the good of those who love Him. I am humbled and grateful to have received this full year of his grace.

 

xoxo