because He is good

This morning I spent some time meditating on 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. A simple scripture that I have read countless times over the years, even shared with other people:

"Rejoice always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

But today...



I read it and thought to myself, "Wow, I have not been joyful always. I have not been giving thanks in every circumstance." Since being in Haiti, I have felt very challenged emotionally. And while I have used the challenges to grow closer to God and to my husband, I have not used them as a means to fight for joy and gratitude. The contentment I have pursued is one that clings to God while still holding on to my emotions, not one that let's go of "me" and gives myself humbly and completely back to Him. So I have sought more scriptures on joy and am fighting to truly surrender to God's plan for contentment for me, and not to the one I have designed for myself.


Some thoughts I have recently been given by mentors and other resources:

God is enough for my life.
My joy can not come from my situation.
Find the good where you are, in each day.
To rejoice is to express delight in God and in what He is doing in my life and the lives of others.
Rejoicing is the measure of my satisfaction and pleasure in God.
God is worthy of praise not solely for what He gives, but for who He is (Job 1:8-12)

The thought of pursuing true and godly joy overwhelms me with emotion yet again, because I know it means having to give up my way and submit myself to a joy I have been fighting to feel- because I want to hold onto my home, familiarity, and the things I miss and love. I also want to enjoy our time here. I want both. But as much as I want this to be what "contentment" is, I'm not sure that it is actually the biblical contentment God has for me. So in order to pursue God's plan for contentment in my life, it's almost as if I have to "mourn" the loss of my sadness and longing to be in a different, less challenging situation than I am. For some reason, be it control, pride, or fear, it is so hard to let go of. Can't I have my cake and eat it too? Can't I be miserable and happy at the same time (just like Taylor Swift says)? Maybe, but maybe that's not the plan God has for my life, and maybe that's not how He's going to use me to my full potential. And maybe that's not how He works, and that's not who He designed me to be. That's not how I will grow. And it's not how I fully express my joy and gratitude to Him.

I was reading a bible study on 1 Thess. 5:16-18 that I randomly found online (here), and loved a point the author made based off of Nehemiah 2:1-2:

"Why was Nehemiah fearful for being sad in the king's presence? Why was being sad in the king's presence such a bad thing? Men did not dare to be sad in the king's presence because it reflected badly on the king. If someone was sad in the presence of the king, then it appeared as though the king was somehow failing in some way. Joy in the king's presence implied that being in the king's presence was a privilege and a delight, and thus rejoicing in his presence honors him."

It made me think many things, one being- Is God failing me? Obviously, no. But, by clinging to these emotions of sadness & longing to go home and refusing true joy, I am claiming that He is failing me, or at least that His plan isn't good enough for me (Jeremiah 29:11), or that I know better (Isaiah 55:8); I am limiting what He is able to do right now, in the present, through me (2 Cor. 4:16-18)- because as much as I think I am giving Him my full heart, it can't fully be His as long as I still cling to and find comfort in my emotions.

When I consider the thought of literally packing up and moving back to the U.S. tomorrow, surprisingly (to me, but maybe not to those wiser in the faith), it does not bring me the peace I am searching for. I don't actually, truly want to leave. I don't want to give up. I want this experience. I want to grow, I want to learn, I want to be changed by this (Romans 8:17-18) and to have this as a time in my life that I can always look back at with fondness and even a feeling of accomplishment. I want to do this even just to know that I can do it- but I also know that isn't enough. That can't be the motivation, it can't be about me- not only will it drain me and leave me empty, but it doesn't give all the glory to God, it splits it between Him and myself (John 12:43).

I am afraid to express all of these thoughts because it makes it real, and it makes me accountable. And I don't know if I am ready for that, or if I want that. I still feel sad. I still miss home. I'm not sure if I want to stay here for a whole year. It's still really hard. And I will probably have another break down tomorrow. But I want God to know that I am pleased to be in His presence. I am delighted to be His daughter, to be His servant, to be able to worship Him and to be led by Him. I am humbled to be used by Him. I am an awe of His beauty and His love, His justice and His power. I am overjoyed that He is the true author and the leader of my life, and that He directs my steps (Proverbs 16:9). He deserves my praise, and He is worthy of all glory and honor. And for that, not who I am or where I am or what He has given me, but because of who He is, I can rejoice.


"Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.

I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.'
As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom
is all my delight.
The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

----- Psalm 16