an honest look at faith

Faith is frustrating… and honestly, sometimes a little annoying.
I always thought I understood what faith is- believing in something even if you don't have tangible proof for it. However, after this past year, I am starting to see that while this may be part of it, "faith" has a much deeper and more dynamic definition.




"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)

Over the past couple of months while looking for jobs, I have felt my spirit go from optimistic, hopeful, and confident, to frustrated, angry, and exhausted. It's been a roller coaster- and I see similar emotions from when we were living in Haiti. It can all be summed up by that gnawing question of doubt- "God, are you even there? Are you even listening? Do you even care?" And once you get over the feeling of guilt or insecurity that you're a horrible Christian/person for even thinking these things, the hardness begins to settle in. I want to shut down, pull away, not care, and give up- just coast through life passively. Why put my heart into anything? Why have opinions or dreams and risk being turned down or ignored? It becomes more and more difficult to see God's involvement in my life, to see his mercy or compassion for me, to even sense His presence at all.

I find myself thinking that if I can only convince myself and God that I'm surrendered to His will for us to be "wherever" doing "whatever", then He will finally answer our prayers and give Andrew a great job in a city we will be happy in. Like, I have to earn my way to the reward through peace and surrender. Only then, will He reveal it to us.

But, no… that's not how it works. It doesn't depend on me and my faith, or lack of faith. Not on my attitude, or my skills.
That's not who God is.

Then who is He? Why does He let us be in these situations of complete stand-still, confusion, frustration? And why do I find myself in them so often? We've been trying to find our place where we can make an impact in this world, caught in this emotional cycle of "what are we doing and when will we finally have a purpose we feel confident in?" for… maybe even in years.

I used to have so many dreams for my life. I thought I was going to do such big, unique, world-impacting things. And maybe it's just the "millennial kid" in me, or maybe everyone thinks that when they're young. But I feel this fiery passion being doused by doubt and discouragement.

I've felt at a complete point of hopelessness. Especially when Andrew receives the "no" from jobs over and over, I see no hope in sight. No options, no dreams… forget dreams, I don't even see any practical "ideas". We feel so… stuck.

And then comes that scripture again… "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Oh.

So, this is faith. This is being certain of what you do not see. This is a whole new level of faith for me, because everything inside of my body and my mind is screaming "Give up! There's no hope! God doesn't care! He doesn't love you! He may not even really be there, since nothing is happening and your prayers aren't being answered! You always figure it out on your own anyways!" It isn't natural to continue walking in faithful prayer, joyful in hope and patient in affliction (Romans 12:12). What my natural desire is is to put up the walls, forget God, harden myself, and just find a way to do this on my own. Become angry. Not put my heart into anything, especially not a relationship with God or hope. Lose optimism and live on criticism. This is natural, this is what my circumstances are leading me to do. This is what my heart feels is easiest.

So… this is faith. It's feeling this depth of despair and hopelessness, seeing literally no end in sight, and still deciding to stay soft. Not allowing your heart to harden, not closing yourself to God- staying open and vulnerable to Him, trusting He loves you, even if you feel like a crazy person repeating to yourself "He is working for my good, He is working for my good." (Romans 8:28)

Faith isn't believing and then it all works out great and you move on... Faith is believing even when it doesn't work out, time and time again.

Wow… so this is faith. Faith is hard.

This is discipleship. This is dependence on the Father.

Okay, Lord… open my heart and strengthen me to break down my walls and keep You in.

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory… My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:23-26

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." - Zephaniah 3:17


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