**Disclaimer: I've spent every day of the last 9 months with a mild form of hyperemisis gravidarum. I am 3 days past my "guess date" with almost no signs of impending labor. All sarcasm below is purely sarcasm for my own entertainment, and thoughts I have at my most "over being pregnant" moments. Please don't misinterpret these thoughts as true cynicism. I'm generally a joyful, grateful person and am humbled by the love and support of my community and the blessing that it is to be having a child.**
"Are you pregnant with twins?" Really? When is this EVER acceptable to say to any woman? I am 9.5 months pregnant, what do you expect me to look like?! Even if a person actually is pregnant with twins... it's like asking a woman if she is pregnant only to find out she just had a big lunch... you just, don't.
"You look like you're about to pop!" First of all, that provides a very wonderful, peaceful visual image in my head for the birth of my coming child. Also, thanks for noticing my whale-size proportions and putting me in a conversation where I have no easy way to respond... What do you expect me to say? "Thanks?" "I know?" "You too?" Awkward smile?
"How are you feeling?" Now, I know I am just getting a little pregnant-lady picky with this one. And most mean well and genuinely care. BUT, when you are 9 months pregnant, there is no happy answer here. I would like to say, "Absolutely terrible. I am sweating in places I never knew existed, even when sitting on top of an AC vent. I am nauseated every waking moment and no matter what I eat, it burns on the way down and then fights to come back up for the next six hours in a burpy fit of rage. Despite never having a stretch mark in my life, my stomach and sides look like a giant canvas for a toddler with a purple marker. It feels like I've been lifting weights with my groin, my abdomen feels so tight that I can't walk straight, and my feet and toes look like sausages. I don't sleep at night because I have to pee once an hour. All I want to do during the day is sleep, and I have no energy to smile or make small talk with anyone but everyone insists that I do." But no one wants to hear that... so instead, you force out a positive, "Hanging in there!" Or, if the question comes via text, you just respond by sending this picture. No other explanation necessary. And all responsibility to contribute to an actual conversation is avoided!
"When are you due? Boy or girl? What's the name?" Again, it's human nature to be curious and ask these sweet questions, wanting to participate in the joy and excitement that it is to welcome a child into the world. But by this point in my pregnancy, you must know that I have been asked these questions approximately 473 times and each time I answer with a fake smile and die a little inside because I'm become more and more aware of the fact that I am no longer seen as a person but as an incubator without any other feelings or happenings in life. Every woman loves for every conversation to be inspired by and solely focused on her (very obviously large) physical appearance! Also, if a woman looks like the answer to "When are you due?" might be "last week", do not, under any circumstances, ask said woman when she is due.
"You don't look like you gained any weight!" Thank you, I know that's meant to be a compliment. But all I can think is, "Really? I've always looked this fat to you?"
"It looks like he's dropped!" or "I don't think he's dropped yet." For every person that says it looks like the baby has dropped, there's another who says he hasn't. I know you have examined and measured me every day for 40 weeks and know my pelvic region like the back of your hand, so of course it is obvious to you whether or not he has lowered in preparation for his coming descent. However, it really doesn't matter whether or not he has "dropped" because it's no sure indication of when he will actually decide to come. So let's just keep the focus off of the status of my widening cervix and on the status of that last piece of cake over there :)
So, I am sorry that all of the normal, common conversation starters directed towards pregnant women are most likely taken as insults. I know you were just trying to be nice, and you want to be involved and show you care. But let's get real and recognize that these questions and statements do not help the situation. Instead, I'll leave you with this:
The only thing you should ever say to a pregnant lady ever...
"You look beautiful. You are a wonderful mother. I'm bringing you dinner tonight."
Tell me I am "all belly", and my cellulite and I will bless you. Every "You look amazing!" comment, even if I KNOW it's not true or someone is saying it just because they think it's nice to say, still resonates in my bones and fills me with happy sparkles. Don't tell me I will be a good mom, tell me that I already am one- not only have I spent 9 months in physical misery, but I've been feeling this little person grow inside of me and growing to love them with each twist and kick- and I think all of that has to count for something. And, to not have to be on my feet only to cook another meal of over-cooked pasta because I was too sore and tired to get off the couch and turn the boiling water off in time- that's its own little miracle.
I am truly grateful for the pure excitement that emits from the masses during pregnancy. As I hunker down into my final days pre-parenthood, I'm really much easier to please than it seems. Just give me my space and some food, and I'm happy as a (pregnant) clam :)
Image Source // Maternity
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