let me hear Your whisper // how to make decisions

Do you want to know how to make big life decisions? 

Me too :)

I don't have an answer. I don't know if there will ever be anyone that can provide the exact perfect formula. But as we all try to figure that formula out, I do have a few thoughts. I'm learning, as always, to keep my heart drawing closer to Him…

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"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice [spoke] to him…"
                                                                     1 Kings 19:11-13

When in the process of making big decisions, I tend to find myself waiting for a huge, flashing neon sign to tell me which way to go. I want an obvious sign, every door to close except the one I'm "supposed" to walk through.  I felt this way and prayed for the "sign" when I was in high school, trying to make the decision to become a Christian. In college, trying to decide if Andrew was the person I wanted to marry. In Haiti, trying to decide if moving back to the states 9 months early was the best option for us. And now, I find myself trying to decide which career path to choose, which city to move to, which job for Andrew to begin.

But after years of praying for "signs," I realize now that I have constantly been let down. Not that God has let me down, but the "sign" is never what I had been looking for, or what I had wanted it to be. In almost every decision, both big and small (at least, in my life), the sign has been nothing more than a gentle whisper. I've only seen it when I've taken a step back from my hectic searching and analyzing, and realized that the "sign" has been there quietly waiting all along. More often than not, the sign has simply been God's ever involved presence in my life. Hear me now, the issue is not in making decisions, but in our anxiety in making decisions. Making a decision is nothing to be afraid of- it's freeing and empowering and gives us even more answers than passively deciding not to make a decision (which is a decision in itself). However, when I step back, and I see how my entire life has been from Him, and how much good He has given to me, things suddenly become a lot clearer.

And as I am writing this, I'm thinking that God does this on purpose. Because when we bury ourselves in the search for answers and perfection, we bury ourselves deeper into our problems. When I put pressure on myself to make this decision, it becomes even more about me.

But when we turn our face to Him and simply draw close to Him, our minds turn away from the search and from trying to control our lives the way we want it to be. We are able to properly place it in His hands. Even if you "want" it to be righteous and are "keeping God in mind," it doesn't really belong to God unless your focus is solely on Him. Not on what He wants you to do, not on what you want to do, not on what secret message He might be trying to tell you… focus on Him alone.

Maybe this doesn't always give me the answer I'm looking for, but it does fill me with peace. And for me, that closeness to God is more important than having everything else all figured out.

As I weigh each grad school option in my mind, have conversations with professionals and mentors, and pray over a career that I'm hoping to begin asap, I'm seeing that this might be another one of those "whisper" situations. I'm searching and talking and asking and rushing to find the right fit for me before grad school applications are due. But maybe if I just focus on doing great where I'm at now- a wife to an ambitious, gifted, loving man, a nanny to 3 beautiful little girls and a precious newborn boy, and a daughter living in my generous parents' basement… I know those answers will form and the path will develop before me, all on it's own. I don't want to overlook anything that might be sitting right in front of me because I'm too busy looking ahead and trying to put the pieces together.

Be patient. Wait for His whisper. He will speak when the time comes. Be still and close to Him so that you may hear it. Trust in His timing. And in the mean time, continue to walk confidently down the path currently before you. He works and presents Himself in unexpected ways.

Stop trying to leave, and you will arrive. 

Stop seeking, and you will see.

Stop running away, and you will be found.

-Lao Tzu

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