learning to follow

I guess I have some catching up to do! My every day blogging has come to an extreme halt since arriving back to the U.S. As a result, my writing juices have suffered- I'm struggling to find the right words to describe what our journey has come to so far. We have had a great time catching up with friends and family, though we definitely have some updates. For those who don't know yet...

We will not be returning to Haiti this year. Our work with OEF has shifted, and our expectations with finding an apartment and Andrew's potential new job have not worked out the way we originally expected. All things considered, it made the most sense practically to return to the U.S. at least through the holidays. We plan to be in Atlanta through December, with hopes of either returning to Haiti in January, or (the more likely option) heading northeast in pursuit of opportunities with economic development and social business. All depends on Andrew finding a job, ensuring we have a great situation set up for us before making any decisions.

It was very difficult to come to this decision. We were faced with questions of, "What if things change?" and feelings of defeat or of fear that we were pulling ourselves out of something that could potentially be rewardingly fruitful. Neither decision seemed right or wrong, and we knew we could make either path work. But neither seemed clear. I definitely felt a lot of inward conflict, pulled back and forth by feelings and logic.

After speaking with a handful of close friends, I was so full of emotion by the overwhelming support we received. Friend after friend each related with a story from their life where they have been in a similar situation- being forced to make a decision to change their original path, or to stick with the one they had chosen.

To quit a job that would provide great experience, that you still technically have one more year under contract with, but in quitting, putting yourself at risk in finding another job... or to continue with the dread and depression you feel each day you have to go to that workplace?
To transfer from a school that you have come to love and invested yourself in so many people, and feel that you are the one who has been chosen to really help these people... or to continue in your loneliness and spiritual hunger?
To bring a new life into the world in the exact opposite manner that you have always dreamed and stood behind with such strong conviction... or to continue in extreme pain and potential danger to you and your loved ones?

The stories could go on and on. We all find ourselves in these situations, big and small- where we are forced to decide whether or not to continue sitting and waiting, allowing things to happen as they would "naturally" progress, or to take action and actually do something about it. I saw a pattern in each story. We all are afraid to simply "give up." We see making an active decision to change our situation as an act of defeat, as waving the white flag. So we convince ourselves that the "harder" decision is the best one. We can't take the easy way out. We must finish what we started. We must stay true to our word. We must complete what we set out to do, and not only complete, but succeed with flying colors.

I must stay at this job because I don't want to fail. I must have a natural birth because I said I would. I must stay at this school because of the growth that comes from challenge.

God provided me with heartfelt stories from these women, and with each word they spoke my heart was slowly put at ease. I could see our situation more soberly. Moving back to the U.S. isn't the "easy way out." In fact, making an active decision, as opposed to a passive one, may actually be the more difficult decision to make. Staying in Haiti requires faith, but so does leaving. Coming back and throwing our lives back up into the skies of uncertainy, once again, will require just as much trust, just as much attentiveness to God as our time in Haiti has.

And I was convicted in learning that it does not imply that we are giving up. Sure, we planned for a year. But in three months of living in Port-au-Prince, we have gained more insight and experience than we ever imagined. We have more stories than we can recall. We have grown closer to each other and deepened our spiritual journeys with God. We have fulfilled a purpose. Maybe we thought we needed a year, but perhaps all it took was three months. And sure, there is more that you could learn if you stayed, more you could go through, more stories you could tell. But if it's time to make a decision, to make a change, then that's okay too. It doesn't erase what you've already gained- in fact, it brings even more reason to be grateful for it. I had to chose not to see this as a failure, but a tremendous victory! You can't limit God by deciding that one way is right and one is wrong. You just have to be open to what He will produce in you and where He will continue to lead you, regardless of the decision you make.

So with this peace in our hearts, we could listen to our voice of logic once again. When the job Andrew had been hoping and waiting for still didn't work out, we knew the wisest thing to do would be to come home. We could return home confidently, and also excited for what He will reveal to us next.

xo

P.S. Andrew has been in Haiti the last 10 days with a good friend to gather some film footage for a fundraising project with OEF, and will return this evening.

(Top Picture taken on recent visit to Asheville, NC.)